The Tough Conversation

What tough conversations do you need to have that you haven’t had yet?We all have them. Sometimes they haunt us, sometimes they annoy us, and sometimes we just don’t care enough to have them. The challenge is that some of the tough conversations we aren’t having may be some of the biggest risks we have. Our relationships can be at risk, our businesses can be at risk, our health can be at risk, and our legacy can be at risk because of the conversations we haven’t had.Our clients count on us to help them have some of the tough conversations that are inevitable, or too important to put off any longer. Not all of the tough conversations require someone else to help us, though, so here are just a few tips on having difficult conversations from Susan Scott’s book, Fierce Conversations.

1. Interrogate reality – too often we’re in a conversation (or avoiding one) because we haven’t taken the time to truly interrogate reality. What is actually true and real in this instance? Sometimes it takes some courage to really look at what’s going on and what our role is in it. Take the time, have the courage, and take a good long look at reality.
2. Don’t hide in the conversation – come out from behind yourself, from behind your role, your story, your position and be real in the conversation. Talk about what’s really on your mind, what you think is at risk and how you really feel. Do it gently.
3. Be there, and prepared to be nowhere else – people don’t engage when our mind is already off to the next thing. If it’s tough, be respectful enough to your own effort to be present until it’s done.
4. Take responsibility for your emotional wake – you have likely said or done things that people didn’t like, or that hurt someone’s feelings. You may do more of this in your tough conversations. Take responsibility for it. What we say has an impact and we’re responsible for that impact.
5. Let silence do the heavy lifting – sometimes people need a few minutes of not talking. Give it to them. Give them the silence they need and let them work through what they need to work through. Give yourself that right as well.

There is plenty of advice out there about having difficult conversations. None, however, is likely as good as “have the conversation.” Try to have it skillfully. Ask for help. Bring in a facilitator if you have to, but have the conversation. There is too much on the line and missing this can undo generations of effort, or shortcut generations of opportunity.